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Beatin'
The Chops:
Just Dance, Dammit
by Big Rude Jake
 A
few years back, the irascible Lenny Lounge, a New Jersey swing
promoter, booked my band to do a show in South Amboy, opening
for the fabulous jump combo "Bim Bam Baby." It was a
great night that attracted swing kids and hepcats from as far
away as New York City. After our set, I settled into a tall glass
of brown ale and sat back to dig the happy vibe that enveloped
the club. As usual, there was a hefty contingent of dancers present,
cutting a mean rug on a crowded floor. One guy, in particular,
really knew how to move, and his personal style was so magnetic,
I found it hard to take my eyes off of him. I wasn’t the
only one. Eventually, everyone in the room had their attention
fixed on this slick Joe, until all the dancers made a circle around
him and he boogied in the middle, trading off with a long line
of fawning young ladies eager to have one turn as his partner.
This fella stole the show. I was impressed.
Mind
you, this guy didn’t dance like an Olympic gymnast; what
made him attractive was not the pyrotechnic complexity of his
moves, but his smooth, confident grace, his gentle attentiveness
for every partner, and a cool demeanor that made every move look
as effortless as an afternoon nap. This is what dancing ought
to be: a sublime courtship ritual and a splendid celebration of
life and living.
Alas,
most of us guys are not so gifted. In fact, a lot of us are pretty
awful (myself included, to which our esteemed editor will readily
attest). But what’s far worse is that there are still so
many men out there who won’t even try to dance. This is a
terrible pity, because, as I have finally come to discover, dance
has so much to offer. It might sound nutty, but I think that dancing
makes the world a better place. What’s more, I think that
we men have an obligation to take a stand against wallflowerism.
I’m serious! Learn to dance and you will see the quality
of life improve all around you. (I say "we men" because
I don’t have to tell the women that dancing is important.
They know all too well what a difference a dance makes, which
is why you often see women begging their men to take them dancing,
or to take a few lessons, or why they eventually give up on the
guys altogether and start dancing with each other.)
What
do women know about dancing that guys don’t? For starters,
women know that action speaks louder than words, and the way you
approach the dance floor says more about you as a potential mate/lover/companion
than anything you might discuss over cocktails. Dancing reveals
how comfortable you are, how considerate you are, how passionate,
how creative, attentive, clever, and, mostly, how serious you
are about her. Your every virtue and shortcoming are revealed
in your feet. Keep in mind, you don’t have to be the greatest
dancer in the club for her to get the message, or for her to be
impressed—this is dancing, not weight lifting. In fact, you
are fooling yourself if you think that you can cover up any personality
flaws with a bit of fancy foot work. The more you dance, the more
of yourself is revealed.
But
maybe revealing yourself is precisely what you’re afraid
of, in which case, you might as well stop reading now and tuck
this article away until you grow up a bit. For the rest of you
clubfooted he-men, read on, as I have compiled a list of some
basic rules concerning what every one of us should know about
shaking a leg.
1.
Remember, Dis Ain’t Broadway
For
the most part, women want to be attended to while you dance with
them. If you dance to put on a show for the rest of the room,
you are probably neglecting your partner and she will realize
it before you do. Dancing is a way for a man to make a woman feel
great. When you take her on the floor, do what you must to make
her look great and feel special. Use her as a prop to impress
someone else and she’ll dump you like newspaper that lines
the birdcage.
2.
Get The Message
Women
are constantly sending signals out to their partners. Many of
these are, of course, utterly incomprehensible to us guys, but
the language of dance is a lot simpler than that of everyday life,
so pay attention and you can save yourself a lot of grief and
maybe even earn a few brownie points. For example, if, after a
dance, your partner says, "I’d love to dance again,"
she means it. If she simply thanks you in a blandly polite manner,
find another partner. She’s just not interested, and all
the badgering in the world won’t change her mind. You had
your chance a bat, but now you better change ballfields. There
is no shame in this. Also, if she is obviously with another guy,
there is no harm in asking for a dance, but introduce yourself
to that guy and make sure he’s not the jealous type. Even
if she is eager, you could be asking for a lot of trouble if you
take that dame for a spin. As a corollary, when dancing with someone
else’s date, lay off the Romeo shtick.
3.
Don’t Be Afraid To Learn
Are
you the kind of guy who refuses to look at road maps or assembly
instructions? Sorry, friend, but that attitude won’t cut
it on the dance floor. Most guys, myself included, find dance
lessons to be a painfully embarrassing endeavor. You stand in
a room full of strangers while shlepping like a klutz through
the unfamiliar world of dance. Being afraid to look silly, most
men will never even try to learn—which already ranks you,
Mr. Absolute Beginner, above most others. Don’t let your
pride stand in the way of learning. Experience tells me that most
women appreciate the effort, even if you are a bit of a spaz.
And if the girl you’ve got your eye on doesn’t, then
to hell with her. You don’t need a woman like that in your
life, anyway.
4.
Be Considerate, For Crying Out Loud!
This
is a dance, not some competition. Start out slow and easy and
let her show you what she knows. Don’t try to out-dance her,
or dance above her level. Don’t try to be a big shot and
correct her on her moves. If she wants to learn from you, she
will let you know. Also, be considerate to other couples. The
practice of crashing into one another is the bane of the dance
scene and somebody’s got to put a stop to it. If you want
to rumble, take it outside, you greasy hoods!
That’s
it for starters. Begin here and anything else you need to know
will eventually reveal itself to you, as will the rewards. It’s
time to get out there, guys, and get busy. Do yourself and the
women in your life a favor. Swing dancing will make a man feel
like a million bucks even if it doesn’t always get you laid,
and it will make the ladies in your life appreciate you a lot
more. Social interaction on the dance floor is a stimulating and
pleasurable end in itself, which is no doubt the true origin of
that old adage: "Dance is the vertical expression of horizontal
desire."
This
article appeared in the Winter 2000 issue of ATOMIC Magazine.
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